The Story of my Vasectomy by Noel Berry
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1.) I had to shave the bottom half of my pubes (from dick down) off. This ended up in a few nicks and 2 nice cuts. The scrotum is a not an easy place to shave.
2.) Go into a regular doctor’s office and sit on the typical doctor’s table/bed. Had a shirt on, but naked from the waste down. They let me sit their like that for a good 30 minutes, making absolutely sure that balls had sucked up into my small intestines making the Vas very hard to locate without a pair of pliers and a blow-torch.
3.) So 2 nurses walk in (hiding their smiles, sick bastards) and start prepping me. Make a few comments about my tiny hacked up scrotum to make sure that my penis shrivels up completely and doesn’t get in the way during surgery. (mouse peeking over a haystack).
4.) They rub some sort of liquid cleaner all over my groin and legs. I think they had just gotten it out of the freezer because at this point my balls completely disappear along with my dick. It also leaked down my ass crack clamping my butt hole shut for a good 2 days.
5.) Doctor Mengela enters the room and tries making small talk about my lack of genitalia and how I’ll never perform like the man I was again. Really putting me at ease.
6.) He pulls out a needle I’m sure was intended for a horse and says “this might be a little uncomfortable”. He digs it into my sack and then gets pissed because he can’t find my Vas (it was somewhere in my upper chest cavity at this point). He grabs a pair of stainless steel Craftsmen pliers and starts digging around in a vein attempt at finding my now long-gone Vas.
7.) By repeatedly punching me in the crotch (at least that’s what I assume he was doing, I wasn’t really watching at this point, but that’s what it felt like he was doing.) he finally gets a good grip on my Vas with the pliers. I realize that I can actually taste steel.
8.) He mentions again that I might feel some slight discomfort, but I’m not really paying attention as I’ve long since left my body to travel through space and time…I digress that is a story for a different time. He jabs the horse needle into my Vas to “dull the pain” and then proceeds to make the incision.
9.) Although the pain has been “dulled” I can still hear what he is doing leaving the pain that is being inflicted on me to my imagination. I see some blood spray and realize has made first contact with the insides of my scrotum.
10.) Even though he has a pretty good grip on my Vas with his trusty pair of pliers it must have sensed some danger and tries crawling back inside my body. So he grips harder and is able to bring it back to the surface. He puts a clamp in 2 different spots about a 1/4 of an inch away from each other on my Vas and starts sawing a chunk of it away. Yes he was sawing; I could see his arm making the sawing motion. He explains to me at this point that nature plays a funny trick on Doctors by making the Vas exceptionally hard to sever. Jokes on me I suppose.
11.) He removes the desired piece of tubing and walks a foot away to put part of me in a hazardous waste bucket. I felt a little sad at this point, feeling like I had lost a friend.
12.) As he comes back with the small blowtorch and soldering iron I get a little spooked. So he tries calming me down by saying they need to cauterize it so that it can never grow back and the chance of infection is almost nil. While in theory this sounds like a good game plan…when you actually see your scrotum on fire something inside you dies forever.
13.) As I see smoke curling up to the ceiling and smell my own burning balls I start my journey through space and time again. I think I went to Planet Remulac.
14.) He stitches up my left side and then smiling down at me says in a really funny voice “See how easy that was! Now just have to do the other side”
15.) – 34.) The same thing as the previous steps but (strangely enough) even more painful.
35.) The nurse tries to revive me with smelling salts and a cold bucket of water. I ask her if I can put my pants back on and leave with whatever sanity I had intact and she says she has to make sure the stitches look good. So I sit there while she gets about 3 inches away from my groin and says “looks good, your testicles should drop back down in a couple of days”. Much to my relief.
36.) I struggle to get my pants back on and waddle out to go home and sit on a bag of corn for the next few days.
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